I am now home for the next few weeks, until I fly out for my semester abroad! So keep your eyes peeled for more blog posts.
As I just mentioned, I am officially back in my hometown for break. And as anyone coming home from a long time away knows, coming back can be rough sometimes.
That’s because people still remember who you were back in high school, and they don’t know who you are now. Past memories come back to embarrass you in the middle of the night; you do everything in your power to avoid anyone you know. Because you don’t want to remember who you were.
For example, I was in the gym the other day, and I saw two girls who were from my high school class. And even though my self-esteem has improved since I went to college, it suddenly felt like I was 15 years old: I had to impress them by any means necessary. I tried to go faster on the machine, I pretended not to notice them; even though every few minutes I shot them a glance to see how they were doing. After talking to a close friend of mine from college, I realized the problem was not with them, but with me.
I had allowed myself to “wilt” around them, to forget all that I had achieved while I had been in college, and how much I have grown by being there with my friends. It was a problem that I had been dealing with for the past few years but I could never figure out the root of the issue. And even when I asked the people around me, they couldn’t figure it out either.
So the main question is…why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to revert back to our former selves any time we face our past?
Personally, I think it’s partly a habit or a defense mechanism. We feel the need to remember who we used to be, so that we can grow from those experiences. Or maybe, we revert to who were once were because of the potential fear of judgement from our peers. If one person is more successful than another, it may feel like the latter will suffer a blow to their self-esteem. By coming back to a familiar place, it can bring up past memories for an individual.
Everyone has insecurities. And even if a person was considered to be “popular” by societal standards; it doesn’t mean that they also didn’t have insecurities of their own. And sometimes, it can take years for those insecurities to go away, and sometimes they never do.
But the important thing to note is that who you are now is not who you once were. We as humans adapt and grow as we age, and our mistakes in the past will become distant thoughts in the future. But it is when we cannot let our past mistakes go, that we hinder our future lives. It’s important to remember that we all have moments of insecurity; but we can’t let it control how we behave because then we will not be able to fully grow as humans.
Until next time!